SCHOOL SHOOTINGS
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GO FIGURE–SOME LAUGHS
I want to share a few of the many funny stories from my book “Go Figure” My Wacky Journey From Outlaw to Leading Citizen.
- My brothers were forever on the look out for ingenious ways to get even with me. They knew I love 7-up pop. One day they took grease from a frying pan, mixed it with cold water, and put the mixture in an empty 7-up bottle. They were dark green in those days which camouflaged the brown grease. My loving brothers pretended to pop the cap, then handed it to me to drink. I should have known something was up since they rarely did anything nice for me. Instead, I trusted them and took a big swallow. Seconds later, my face matched the color of the 7-up bottle. I was ralphing a steady stream of vomit for the rest of the day, while they enjoyed a good laugh.
- Every time we went on vacation, Mom had to add to her rock collection whether we were in Minnesota, Colorado, or South Dakota, for her it was full-on rock hunting expedition. When Mom would find a stone that was “just right”–and just right for what I couldn’t begin to tell you–no matter how big or small it was, she’d yell at one of her boys to come and get it and put it in the trunk of the car so she could keep looking without losing her place along whatever hillside she was scouring. I am not kidding, by the time we were headed back home the rear bumper of the car was dragging on the highway shooting sparks. It had to be a hilarious sight to see. Cars would pass us and point at the back of our car like we didn’t know about the light show we were creating.
- Never considered “starter” material during football practice I was placed on the “practice squad”. This meant my assignment was to hold a dummy so the first string three-hundred pound lineman could practice their blocking by running full speed and hitting the dummy. I began to feel that there was a dummy holding a dummy. After scrimmage was over, I’d find myself buried in the ground while still holding on to it, and a three hundred pound lineman on top of me. Lucky him: he would get two dummies with one shot.
- While working in the meat department, Cliff and I would play a game called “Who Am I?” We’d do an imitation of one of our customers, and then the other had to guess who it was. It would pass the time while we were cutting the meat off the bones to make hamburger or cut up chickens and packaged them. Out of the corner of his eye, Cliff would spot a customer headed our way and quickly do an imitation of her speech inflection or odd mannerisms. When the lady walked up to place her meat order, I’d make the connection and burst out laughing–right in the lady’s face. Man, did Cliff have a warped mind.
- When I think of my friend Cary, a funny story always comes to mind. I went over to his house to hang out one day and when I knocked on the door, his mom, who was a large woman, opened it and informed me, “Cary has to stay in his room because he’s not feeling well.” “I just have to tell him something. Is it okay if I go to his room for just a minute?” “Okay,” she said, “but I want to warn you about his sore throat.” I am sure Cary was hoping he wouldn’t have any company that day. I opened his door and there sat Cary on his bed with one of his mom’s extra large Kotex, laced with Vicks Vapor Rub, wrapped around his throat. I laughed so hard then, and even now, as I can still see the mental picture. I have never let him forget that day because that is what friend are for.
- If you want to read more of these funny stories, you can check out and buy my book “Go Figure” My Wacky Journey From Outlaw to Leading Citizen at Amazon.com or you can go to my website: rickcarlegofigure.com
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, MUCHOS GRACIAS, DANK SCHON, MERCI BOUCOUP, MOLTE GRAZI, DOMO ARIGATO, SPASIBO! etc.
I have been blogging for a few month now. It has been fun and exciting. I can write about things or issues that bother me, or thrill me. It is great to vent in a manner where you can get it all out on a blog and know from their comments that other people agree with my thoughts. I’m sure there are people who disagree, but I’ve only had positive feedback so far. Thanks to all of you for the great input. I really appreciate it. It helps motivate me to write more.
I want to do something a little different this time and give thanks to a couple of people who’ve helped me become an author and a blogger.
If you want to learn the ropes of blogging, or take your skills to a higher level, Tammy Bleck @wittywomanwriting.com is the person you need to contact. She guided me through the entire process (all on phone, I may add) from a guy who knew absolutely nothing about blogging to soneone who fully understands how it works, and is having great fun doing it. Tammy also has seminars around the country where you can meet and talk to her in person. I highly recommend that if you are in a town where Tammy is appearing, sign up and get educated by a true professional. Or contact Tammy through her website for one-on-one coaching.
Next, I want to thank my brother, Cliff. He is a brilliant editor, living in Los Angeles. He worked with me on my book, GO FURE: My Wacky Journey From Outlaw to Leading Citizen. Without his incredible help and wisdom I never would’ve finished my book and gotten published. If you are thinking of writing a book or if you are in the process of writing one and you need an expert editor, visit www.cliffcarle.com. You can read other testimonials besides mine in case you think I am biased because he’s my brother. He has edited over 400 books and is nationally known for his work. His knowledge of the English language and the proper (or unusual) usage of words is remakable.
If you have a desire burning inside you to write a book and promote it, but don’t know where or how to get started, I suggest checking out both of their websites. With anything worthwhile, you have to invest some money to achieve success, but trust me it is well worth the price. You are investing in yourself. Please go to my website; rickcarlegofigure.com and you can see for yourself how they helped me.
Now, I need your help. If you have bought or read my book GO FIGURE: My Wacky Journey From Outlaw to Leading Citizen, go to Amazon.com, then “Go Figure by Rick Carle” and please write a review. I have learned that many people don’t buy a book unless they read the reviews on Amazon first, or the book has to have at least 30 reviews to be credible. So again, PLEASE write a review for me. A SHEYNEM DANK!
AMAZON-BOOK REVIEWS on GO FIGURE–BY RICK CARLE
on March 18, 2014
If you know Rick, he did not mean for this to be of “literary value”, as one review mentioned. However, the value it had for him and all those that have walked in his shoes – that’s the value! It should be mandatory reading for any social work or sociology class in college. Even in our society today, many of those students still live in glass houses! Hats off to all those around Rick that supported him in this endeavor. With all the references he made in the town where he lives and works, took the courage he has developed and everyone is a winner. Go by the book!
on April 23, 2014
Great book, couldn’t turn the pages fast enough! If you live in a small town this is an absolute must read, if you live in a city this is an absolute must read! Humor and a few tears! Buy this now and you will not be disappointed!
on November 24, 2013
Both this book and how Rick turned out after the issues and overcoming adversity are amazing! This book is an easy read and makes me realize that there is always hope for things and people to change most definitely for the good. Good job Rick!
on November 6, 2013
It is always so refreshing to know someone can turn their life around. And this story does have a happy ending. I even cried at the end. God Bless you Rick!
on November 2, 2013
I enjoyed this book. It is humorous and serious. It demonstrates that people can change if they want to and are willing to put the work into it. Go Figure is a quick read that keeps your interest from start to finish.
on October 29, 2013
What a great book and well written. I would have interesting to know the author in real life.
A definite must read.
A definite must read.
on October 16, 2013
I really enjoyed reading the book and learning about the ups and downs of Rick’s life. Was a very easy read and made you want to keep reading to see what was going to happen next. Ease to relate to different situations. Would highly recommend this book for enjoyable reading.
CAMERAS/STOP THE SHOOTERS
I’m so frickin’ tired of turning on my TV or opening a newspaper and the feature story is a shooting massacre in a church, a nightclub, a theater, or a school. Then the first thing the stupid news media does is name the shooter. Followed by THE PICTURES. They go on for a week or longer telling us about the shooter’s background, family, friends and about the shooter’s damn dog. Are you kidding me? I’m sure the families of the victims don’t care that the shooter named his dog Spot and neither does anyone else.
Want to reduce the senseless violence? Then the media needs to simply refer to the deranged perpetrator as “the shooter“. Don’t give the shooter their fifteen minutes of fame…that then turns into 15 days or weeks. That is what the shooter is looking and hoping for. They don’t deserve it. All this does is give the next unhappy, unappreciated loner the idea that if they do something even worse, their picture and life history will be splashed all over the media as well.
I say, “Screw them!” If all they are known by is the generic title “the shooter” it might well deter future sick claims to negative fame. The media needs to wise up and see that they are helping these attention starved idiots accomplish Part II of their mission: the post-massacre photo-ops. The media can report on the shootings all they want without showing the shooter’s face or giving their name.
So please hear my plea: News media–be apart of the solution –stop pouring fuel on the problem, then fanning the flame.
PHOBIAS
My brother Jeff is very claustrophobic thanks to a prank my older brother Cliff played on him as a kid. Without going into a long story, let’s just say it was similar to being locked in the casket for a day, and you’ll get the idea. Not at all funny–but I went on the internet and found some phobias that, ARE funny…As long as they are not YOURS.
Ablutophobia: The fear of washing or bathing. Unfortunately, most of the people who have this fear don’t know it.
Allodoxaphobia: Fear of opinions. This is a fear that I and many other people I know don’t have. As they say opinions is like assholes–everyone has one.
Basophobia: Inability to stand. When I was younger, I had this quite a bit, but it seemed to happen more after a night of excessive drinking. I never knew that it was all because I had this phobia. I always thought it was because I liked to drink Rum & Cokes.
Chrometophobia: Fear of money. The only fear I have of money is the lack of it!
Cypridophobia: Fear of prostitutes and VD.-I’ve never used a prostitute but I know I have never been afraid of them but the VD I have always had a huge fear of it. Thank God I have never experienced it.
Defecaloesiophobia: Fear of a painful bowel movement. Maybe I have this and don’t know it? I have reached the age where Metamucil is my new best friend.
Gamophobia: Fear of marriage. After my first marriage was over I had gramophonic for 26 years. I then met this beautiful, caring and loving woman named Judy and I have been married now for over 2 years. It’s one of those doors you never know if it will ever open again until you find the right person who has the combination.
Genophobia: Fear of sex. With the earth’s population at 7,244,141,816 and counting, I don’t think this fear exists. My guess is an ugly psychologist who couldn’t get laid probably made it up–to compensate.
Medorthophobia: Fear of an erect penis. I always chuckle when I hear the ads for Viagra and then say if you have an erect penis for over four hours see a doctor. Hell with the doctor, it’s time to get out the black book if you know what I mean.
Novercaphobia: Fear of your step-mother. I’ll bet there are a lot of people who have this one. Some will admit it and others know it but are careful not to say anything. Go to rickcarlegofigure.com and check out my book!
TODAY’S SUPER-LUCKY KIDS
There’s no denying it kid’s today have it much easier than we did. For example, they ride a bus to school or their parents drive them. I, on the other hand, had to walk two miles uphill both ways while carrying my younger siblings on my back. I also had a paper route, so I had to get up even earlier and deliver papers in the pitch dark before I hiked to school.
When a modern child goes on a vacation with their parents they take along their iPads, cellphones, Play Stations, or portable DVD players (unless their SUV or minivan comes equipped with the video players already built into the back of the front seats or that drops down from the ceiling). Thus today’s kids are entertained all the way to their destination. I, on the other hand, had only the “Alphabet Game“. For those of you who haven’t heard of it here is how it goes: You look for billboards or signs along the highways; the game begins when you or one of your brothers or sisters finds the letter “A” at the beginning of a word. You have to shout out the word first before anyone else does. Of course this created a lot of arguing and bickering which made the trip even longer. We were so competitive that Mom had play referee and decide who said it first. Then you move on to the letter “B” and so forth. The game usually ended when you got to the letter “Q”– unless you were near a town that had a Quintos hotel.
Today, when the kids get to the motel they have an Olympic-size swimming pool to play in. Plus all of the extras of a five star motel. Or their parents own a fifth-wheel camper complete with a kitchen, shower, bathroom, couch, and living quarters. I had the “luxury” of our pop-up camper that Dad pulled behind our ‘57 Chevy. Dad sometimes set it up a day before we left so the musty and mold smell could air out, of course it didn’t. Our camper was rated to sleep four people; at last count, we had six in my family. That made it not only crowded but smelly.
And we had to swim in the same lake we fished in. That greenish-brown murky looking lagoon often had moss growing on the top of it, and occasional water snakes. But there was no way you could open your eyes to see where you were going.
So when your millennial kids are complaining about how terrible their life is, remind them what us baby boomers had to endure to make it through our childhood days. They won’t care, but at least we get to kvetch about how much easier they have it
And when they are grownups with kids of their own, I‘m sure they‘ll be saying something like, “When I was your age, I had to carpool to school in a crowded minivan. We didn‘t have anti-gravity boots like you do today!”
LAWRENCE PHILLIPS SUSPECTED OF KILLING CELLMATE
Phillips’ cellmate at Kern Valley State Prison in central California was Damion Soward. He was serving an 82 year to life sentence for a first-degree murder conviction. Damion was found lifeless in his cell and later pronounced dead.
Lawrence was born in Little Rock, Arkansas on May 12, 1975. He moved to California where he grew up in foster homes. As a junior and senior running back at Baldwin Park High School they went back-to-back CIF championships which attracted the attention of the University of Nebraska.
In 1994, his sophomore year Phillips tied a school record by rushing for 100 yards or more in 11 straight games for a total of 1,722 yards. That still stands as a record at Nebraska for any sophomore running back.
Shortly after Phillips helped Nebraska secure the 1994 National Championship, he pled not guilty to charges of assault and vandalism from an incident on March of 1994. Though he was charged in November and he failed to complete the requirements of the pretrial division program, Phillips was allowed to play in the game against Oklahoma and the Orange Bowl game to win the National Championship.
Phillips was arrested for assaulting his ex-girlfriend after choking and dragging her down a flight of steps. He was subsequently suspended by Nebraska head coach Tom Osborne. Phillips was allowed to play in the Fiesta Bowl where he rushed for 165 yards and 2 touchdowns.
With that performance Phillips was drafted sixth overall in the 1996 draft by the St. Louis Rams despite his character problems. He signed a three-year $5.625 million contract. Phillips only played 15 games for the Rams and was released for his inconsistent performance and his inability to stay out of trouble.
His next team was the Miami Dolphins where he only played 2 games. The dolphins released him after he pleaded no contest to assaulting a woman in a Florida nightclub. Phillips then played in the NFL Europe league for the Barcelona Dragons before coming back stateside and signing with the San Francisco 49ers. Within one year Phillips was first given a three-day suspension and eventually cut for conduct detrimental to the team.
After his football career was over on August 21,2005 Phillips was arrested for assault after driving a car into three teenagers following a dispute during a pick-up football game in Los Angeles. At the time of his arrest, Phillips had warrants from the San Diego police in connection with two alleged domestic abuse incidents involving a former girlfriend. She claimed that Phillips had choked her to the point of unconsciousness.
In October of 2006 he was found guilty of seven counts stemming from the car incident and was sentenced to ten years in a California state prison. While serving that sentence Phillips was convicted for the assault on his ex-girlfriend for seven additional counts including assault with great bodily injury, false imprisonment, making a criminal threat, and auto theft. He was given a 30 year sentence of which he must serve 85 percent. That would have kept him in prison until he is 57 years old–until today and his alleged murder charge, which if found guilty and convicted will likely result in life without parole.
Phillips gave up millions and a great career in professional football because he had a propensity toward abusing women and essentially being a thug. As a Nebraska Cornhusker fan I am sad to see such a waste of God-given talent. In life, we all make choices, some are good and some are bad. Maybe because of Lawrence’s upbringing in foster homes he didn’t have the normal–if there is such a thing as normal–parent guidance that could have molded him into a person who understood the consequences of right versus wrong.
I can relate to Phillips to a certain degree. As evidence in my memoir, GO FIGURE: My Wacky Journey From Outlaw to Leading Citizen, I too was on a criminal path and reached a point where I had to face my demons and make a hard choice. In my case, I chose to give up a substantial illegal income in order to protect my wife and child. To this day it still gives me the chills to imagine how I would have failed them, had I ended up in prison. My hope in documenting my story was that it might provide inspiration to parents of troubled teens, and/or the wayward teens themselves. Please go to rickcarlegofigure.com to find out more.
It is too late for Phillips, but I cross my fingers that parents and guardians who are reading this will be motivated to step it up, and go the extra mile, in helping disadvantaged kids who have strayed to get back on the righteous path.
THE CURIOUS LIFE OF A STATE PATROLMAN
Living the life of a State Patrolman can’t be easy. You get up in the morning, put on
your uniform and your badge, eat your breakfast, drink a pot of coffee, then head out for
your day not knowing what you are going to encounter, or if you will make it back home
alive that night.
Can you imagine pulling a car over and as you walk up it, you have no idea who could
be in there? He could be a convict, or a wannabe gangster who has a loaded gun and is
ready to shoot. One wrong moment and BANG! there is blood everywhere and you are
not going to have a nice day. Other times you might only have someone cuss at you, or
spit in your face. In other instances, I’m sure you hear all kind of excuses and lies to get
out of a ticket.
Now, on a good day, the cop is working the highway inconspicuously behind a sign, or
hiding amongst some trees, with his radar gun loaded for speeders. He is just about to
nod off when WHOOSH! a red sports car goes flying by. His gun lights up and sets off an
alarm. He shakes out the cobwebs, turns on his red lights, and siren, and punches his
accelerator in pursuit. After a short chase the car pulls over and he sashays up to the
vehicle. As he is about to explain why he pulled the red streamer over he looks inside
and there sits a beautiful blonde babe. While she was moving to the side of the road, she
unbuttoned the three top buttons on her blouse. He looks in and sees the valley of
Hooterville.
She gives him that pretty smile and says, “Is there something wrong officer.”
At first he is speechless; then his tongue softens up enough to say, “You were going a
little fast. Are you in some kind of a hurry?
She pushes her chest up and out so the officer can get a better view and responds, “No,
I just have a hard time reading all these thingies on my dashboard.”
He leans inside the window to see what she is talking about and is close enough to
brush the exposed wonders, and he thinks to himself Twenty-five miles over the speed
limit isn’t so bad. He retreats and says, “I’m only going to give you a warning this time.
You need to slow down a little bit and have a nice day.”
She smiles and drives away thinking, It worked… again. Thank God I was blessed.
I’ve had a couple of encounters with the State Patrol. One time I got a stern lesson on
the proper etiquette for closing the passenger door of a patrol car. If you’re interested in
the details, it’s in my book GO FIGURE: My Wacky Journey from Outlaw to Leading
Citizen. Please go to rickcarlegofigure.com.
And “HEY…HEY,” as Sgt. Phil Esterhaus used to say on Hill Street Blues, “Let’s be
careful out there!”
What’s Wrong With Kids Today?
I just don’t understand the current crop of youth. First of all, they wear their pants off their butts which reminds me of the words in a song; feel like a fool with my pants on the ground! If my generation would’ve done that it would’ve made it easier for our parents to give us a stinging swat on the behind. These kids need to have some decency and respect for others–nobody and I mean nobody wants to see their underwear.
Since we are on the subject of clothing apparel, what gives with the baseball-type hats worn with the bill of the cap sideways. Now I completely understand wearing the hat backwards. It gives up that aerodynamic feel on a windy day. It might even give you the notion that you run faster (doubt it). Even wearing the bill up is acceptable. But sideways is just ridiculous looking. It serves no purpose in theory with the exception of looking cool in the minds of those who chose to go with this style. Words of wisdom from the older generation, we may not show it on the outside, but we are laughing on the inside.
Next on my what the heck? list is tattoos. I don’t really mind a few tattoos, but when they cover practically every inch of the body with some being very suggestive and hateful. For example: “I want to kill” with graphic pictures illustrating this lovely thought. Body piercing has gone too far as well. It started out in the ear lobes and has progressed to lips, nose, the tongue, nipples and other private parts I won‘t mention. The one that really gets me is the chip from a Black Jack table in their earlobe. Like they’re going with the Amazon tribe look you see in National Geographic. And these kids wonder why no one will hire them.
Actually & regretfully, that’s not an issue. Many kids today feel that they shouldn’t have to work. As if our generation owes them this life of leisure. When I read parenting books of how to raise my child, there weren’t any chapters on laziness, talking back to your parents, & having no respect for others. I’m always in awe when I’m following kids in a car and after they’re thought eating, the wrappers and bags gets tossed out the window. I didn’t know it was the parents’ job to follow them around and pick up after them. It was hard enough with their clothes, now it has progressed to paper and plastic.
Back in my day, if you wanted to impress a girl, one of the things you might do is open a door for her. I’ve noticed that most of today’s boys, not all mind you, will open the door wide for themselves and if his girl can squeeze in the door before the door slams shut on her, he was quite the gentleman.
Finally, the tech world has made kids overweight and complacent. They sit in front of their TV’s with their latest gaming equipment for hours on end: or on their cell phones or iPads. The other day I saw two kids in a restaurant and other than ordering their meals not one word was spoken to each other. They both were on their phones either texting…probably to each other.
Face to face communication in today’s world is gone; same as the good ol’ days of just going outside to play using nothing but your imagination and maybe a stick. Our only rule was to be home before it got dark–or else you were glad that your pants were all the way up.